Obstacles to Joy, Part 4: Staying on Top of it All

Life is so hectic, isn't it? Especially as a mom. It seems like our list of responsibilities never ends! On top of meeting your children's daily needs, you also must somehow find the time to cook, clean, spend time with each child, wash the laundry, keep up with the activities your children are involved in... and that's not including finding time for your husband and nurturing your marriage! Being a mother to young children means constantly juggling priorities and somehow finding the time to do it all. How in the world is one person supposed to do all that? Here are a few tips I have picked up along my motherhood journey. Please feel free to add any ideas you have, or things that work for you!

Know your limitations. On a few different occasions, I have been called a "Super Mom" for managing to raise four children under seven (three of them born in less than two and a half years!), homeschool, keep a clean house, and still have time for fun hobbies like crocheting and photography. I have been asked how I manage to "do it all." Well... the truth is... I don't! I do not "do it all," and I am okay with that (mostly). It has taken me years to reach a place where I am at peace with not accomplishing every single item on my daily to-do list. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a day where I completed that list! But I learned that I gained nothing by beating myself up over it. When you have young children in the house, there is going to be chaos. You can either fight it and cause yourself endless stress, or you can embrace it and learn to enjoy your children for the phase of life that they're in. Remember... this too shall pass!

Clean a little at a time throughout the day. The days when I'm either too lazy to stay on top of cleaning, or just too busy with other things, are the days when things become overwhelming. I've learned that if I clean for 10-15 minutes at a time, several times throughout the day, the house seems to stay relatively neat, or at very least, can be made tidy in a short amount of time. (I also involve the kids in this! I try to make a game of it for them, encouraging them to see just how many toys they can put away in that amount of time. It's fun AND productive!) This doesn't just go for picking up things, though. I can also use those 10-15 minute cleaning spurts to get the dishes done, a load of laundry folded, the counters wiped down, the floors swept, etc.

Develop a plan. Having a schedule to follow can, for some people, be extremely helpful in staying organized. There are a ton of free resources out there to help you organize your cleaning schedule. My particular favorite is The FlyLady. Some of her ideas are just plain brilliant!

"A load a day keeps the chaos away." This is a quote from the aforementioned FlyLady. The idea behind it is that if you can commit yourself to doing at least one load of laundry every day, you'll find yourself much more on top of your CHAOS! (CHAOS = Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome... So true, eh?) If you have a larger than average family, like mine, you may find that "a load a day" becomes more like "two-to-three loads a day."

Downsize! Having less stuff means having less to clean! The minimalist movement is very trendy right now, but there's definitely something to be said for it! When we moved last year, we donated a ton of the kids' toys and clothes, and I haven't had any regrets about doing it! The kids didn't even notice, either! It's a prevalent notion in our society that we must provide our children with everything they want, but you'd be surprised at how little a child actually "needs" to be happy. We still have a number of toys for them to learn and exercise their little imaginations! Contrary to popular belief, however, I believe you actually do more harm than good by catering to your child's every whim and fancy. Having less and encouraging them to work hard to save up for the things they really want (or *gasp* wait patiently until their birthday or Christmas) teaches them to value their possessions more, and to appreciate what they have. Gratitude is a wonderful gift to give a child!

Ask for help when you need it. We all have times when we're sick or overwhelmed with a crazy schedule. It's OKAY to ask for help! This can mean having someone watch your kids for the day so you can focus on your to-do list without interruption, or it can mean having a family member or friend come over to pitch in. Sometimes pride can stand in the way of knowing when to ask for help; I know this because I have struggled with that pride, myself! My advice is this. Next time you're hesitant to refuse help, take a step back and look at the situation. Does the refusal to ask for help really accomplish anything positive? It hurts you by keeping you from being able to have the peace of mind of getting things done that need to be done, and it robs the other person of the opportunity to be a blessing to you. Remember, being able to help you gives the other person joy!

Daddy needs to help, too! Parenting is not a one-man show. He helped make those babies; he can help take care of them, too! He lives in your home; he can help clean it, too! He helped make the dishes; he can help wash them, too! I could go on... but I think you get the point. You would be amazed at the difference it makes to have a helpful husband around. As a former single mom, I know what it feels like to try to do it all myself (which, by the way, I completely failed at!) Having my husband around to hep our when needed has been such a wonderful blessing to me. He's amazing, and he loves knowing just how much I need him. (I don't know if it's the whole "Knight in Shining Armor" mentality or what, but men like to be needed!)

Remember to stop and enjoy the moment. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget to simply take a step back and enjoy this season of life. Talk to your kids. Play with them. Make sure they know that they are more important than housework. I posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, but I think it's worth sharing again: If I work morning, noon and night to keep my house perfect, and then 20 years from now my girls are grown and gone and I have no relationship with them, then what was the point? I doubt my kids will look back and say, "Gosh, I sure do appreciate how clean our house was all the time!" But I guarantee you they'll look back and wish I had played with them more. Remember, family comes first!

Have a blessed day!

Obstacles to Joy, Part 3: Overcoming Super Mom

That woman. You know who I mean. She does it all. Her house is immaculate, her children are always impeccably dressed and are unnaturally well-behaved. She is always put together, complete with perfect makeup and hair, every time she steps out of the house. She participates in every church/school/community/volunteer function, and bakes the most amazing desserts (of course, as if we could expect any less?) to bring to her kids' bake sales. We all know this woman. She is Super Mom. "How does she DO it?" we marvel. And, let's be honest here, we completely hate her - and yet simultaneously (and sometimes begrudgingly) we admire her and wish we could BE her.

How can we, mere mortal moms, ever hope to compete with the Super Moms of the world? Well, there is a ray of hope for us all!

First of all, these women, dazzling as they may seem, are not perfect. They struggle with things the same as you and me. In fact, their struggles may be even more difficult, because they often feel driven to maintain an image of perfection, and are terrified of letting anyone see them with their walls down. Or, they could be a mom who struggles with some sort of a disorder that will not allow her to stop cleaning and stop obsessing over these things. Even worse are the moms who care about maintaining outward appearances of perfection, because they are desperate to keep the real world from knowing the reality of their depression, anxiety, failing marriage, or other such personal horrors.

I have had the opportunity more than once to see behind the mask of a Super Mom, and inside is a real woman, with real problems, just like you and me. There is always more to the story that we don't know. No one is perfect, and it does no good to use others as a standard of judging our own self worth. We all have our struggles in life; you never know what kind of fears and insecurities are in the heart of that woman we assume can do it all.

So, the wonderful news I have to share with you is this: YOU ALREADY ARE SUPER MOM! You love your children, and you would do anything to help them, and see them grow into happy, healthy members of society. Every day you work hard at meeting their needs. You feed them, clothe them, hug and kiss them, help then with their homework, kiss their booboos, take them to the doctor and nurse them back to health when they are sick... the list could go on and on about the things you do for your children. You are a Super Mom simply because of your love for you children. God, with His all-knowing power, decided that YOU are the best possible mother for your children, and He gave those children to you for you to raise in a way that only you can. You already are Super Mom. Just keep reminding yourself of that!

The fact of the matter is, no one person can do it all, all of the time. As mothers, we have got to let go of the Super Mom complex! We all would be so much better off if we do. Not only would we be happier mothers once we have more realistic expectations for ourselves, but we would be less judgmental of other moms as well. If we could keep in mind that we all struggle with motherhood in some way, shape or form, and make up our minds to encourage and uplift fellow moms instead of casting judgement on them for how well or poorly we think they are performing their jobs, then this world would such a better place, and we could nearly do away with the "mommy wars" we see all the time.

In the next few days, I will be posting some of my tips for staying on top of the seemingly endless tasks we have to perform on a daily basis. Until then, keep reminding yourself this: God gave you to your children because He knows that you are exactly what they need. You love your kids, and would do anything for them. You are a great mom. You are a Super Mom.

God bless you and keep you!

Your Sister in Christ,

Obstacles to Joy, Part 2: Keeping Your Cool

One of the most difficult times to find joy in motherhood is when our children are trying us. Patience comes easily for some, but if you're anything like me, it's something you have to work at. My children seem to know this, and have no qualms about testing my patience skills on a regular basis.

Early in my parenting career, anger and yelling were seen and heard often in my home. One day, as I heard myself screaming at my eldest child, it dawned on me that it was not getting me anywhere. It frightened my daughter, I always knew that, but fear was never a motivating force for her. So, why was I doing it? Did I really want to raise my children with bullying? I began to prayerfully consider subject, and in time God opened my eyes to my need for self-control. There I was, yelling at my child to control herself and behave, and yet I was completely out of control myself! We all know that leadership by example of the most effective leadership of all, but I think it tends to be left by the wayside when it comes to parenting.

After I realized the need to control myself, I asked the Lord to help me see the areas in my life where I needed to better control my anger. I began to see myself through my child's eyes, through my husband's eyes, through the eyes of everyone around me. I tried to keep this in mind as I went about daily life. James 1:19-20 became my personal verse! "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

So, how can this be applied to parenting? First and foremost, we need to go to the Lord in prayer. Only God has the power to change hearts, and anger is nothing more than a heart issue. There also some practical tips that I have picked up over the years, that help me to keep my cool in the moment of frustration, when it is so easy to allow myself to lose control. I will share with you what I have learned.

Realize what you can control, and what you can't. Our children are just as human as we are. They are going to make poor choices, disappoint us, and disobey. We cannot make them obey. We can, however, control our own responses to each situation as it arises.

Remind yourself that they learn from you. Children are little sponges. We are reminded of this whenever they repeat something that we'd rather not hear from their sweet little mouths! But this doesn't just apply to things we say. They are watching our every move, and learning how to act based on the way they see us act. If we want them to have self-control and make good decisions, we ourselves must practice self-control and good decision-making skills!

Be consistent. I have learned first-hand the consequences of being inconsistent as a parent. When we make rules, we need to keep them. When boundaries are set, we need to enforce them. When a child disobeys, it needs to be addressed every single time. Kids always seem to remember the times when we let things slide, and it causes frustration for them when they are being sent mixed signals about what is expected of them.

Know when to walk away. There are times when we just can't control our anger, even when we are trying our best. We are human, after all! This is the time to walk away. More than once, I have gone into the bathroom and locked the door to give myself a few minutes to regain my cool. Having feelings of anger is not a bad thing - even Jesus became angry! How we handle that anger is where we can go wrong. I commend anyone who can recognize their triggers and know when to take a breather when needed.

Have an outlet. We all need to vent from time to time! Have a person you call call to talk with when things become overwhelming.

Refill your tank when it starts getting low. When we are overtired and overwhelmed, it's much easier to lose our temper. Being a mom is an on-call, never-ending, 24/7 job. It takes its toll over time, and wears away at our patience. Every so often, we need a chance to refill our tank; to do a little something for ourselves. Hire a babysitter, or have Daddy play with the kids for a while so you can take a break and do a little something for you! Go for a walk, go out with a friend, take a long bubble bath, indulge in a hobby, anything! Giving yourself some time to recharge your battery will make you a much happier mom!

If you have any prayer requests, even if it's not related to this post, please comment below. I would love the opportunity to pray for you and lift up your requests to the Lord. God bless you!

Your Sister in Christ,